The Mess: Creating Work-Life BalanceWhen Irritability Creeps In
The Mess: I’m feeling irritable and I don’t know why. Mama’s and wifey’s out there, have you ever found yourself in this space? No one in your family actually did anything wrong, but you are ready to snap just the same. I usually find myself in this space after my husband has been at work for an extended period of time. 36 hours or more. Or maybe just a regular 24 hour shift followed by a few shifts of overtime. I’m not mad that he’s working. He is doing what he loves and providing for our family, but the irritability creeps in just the same. I need to find better work-life balance for us all.
Balancing Work and Family: The Source of Stress
Sometimes the irritability sneaks in when I’ve got a high stress project happening at work. I’m putting in extra hours that don’t make me resent the work, but something in me just feels off. Even if you don’t have a spouse working shift work, I’m sure you can relate to feeling like there are not enough hours in the day. There are only so many priorities that I can move to the back burner before even those pots are at risk of boiling over. Laundry being one of them…like eventually the kids are going to run out of clean underwear. On those irritable days I feel like I’m moving from task to task without actually accomplishing anything.
The Real Struggle: Taking Time for Myself
That’s usually when it hits me that I haven’t done something for myself in over a week. I’m not talking about drinking coffee or fixing a meal…essential things needed to live. I mean something that I get to do just for me, just because. My struggle with balancing roles is defaulting to let everyone else’s needs to come above my own.
I fight hard against martyrdom. I’m not that woman who sacrifices her happiness for everyone else’s. I’m an advocate for girls’ trips and uninterrupted quiet time. I know I have to fill my cup up first before I can pour out into other people.
I know this to be true about myself and my values, but sometimes I get sloppy on the execution. This is true especially when it comes to work-life balance. So, how can I fix it?
The Fix: Scheduling Self-Care for Better Work-Life Balance
Schedule it. If I don’t schedule it, it won’t be a priority. I live to serve, but if I don’t take care of myself then I will grow to resent those that I’m serving (I try really hard not to let this happen read how here). I’ve written about this topic before, but it is worth repeating because it is complicated and messy. No one wakes up one day and says hmmm…I feel like resenting my spouse today or I feel like resenting my boss today.
Resentment stems from a myriad of things, but irritability is a physical sign your body gives you as a caution. My kids and husband aren’t doing something wrong. They aren’t making me jealous. They aren’t setting out to take advantage of me. They aren’t embarrassing me or making me feel sad. They are just living their everyday lives as best as they can, like most of us are.
Women are in a vulnerable position to develop feelings of resentment because the roles we take on as mothers and wives are often that of care-givers. We feel fulfilled when we are caring for others and during our moments of pouring ourselves out we don’t usually feel anger. I know I experienced this with teaching. I absolutely loved the time I got to spend with the students in my classroom, but still resentment built. I could not find work-life balance despite my best efforts. What I know now, is that the pattern of not taking time for ourselves is what leads to resentment.
So, what do we do to fix the irritability?
Preventing Resentment: The Power of Communication
Communicate. Communicate clearly with facts and and “I feel” statements. One Saturday I told my husband “I’m feeling all kinds of irritable and I’m not sure why. I think I might need to get out of the house today and just do something for myself.”
My husband’s response: “Yeah, that totally makes sense. I’ve been unavailable for the last few days so I get it. I need to knock out cutting the grass and then I’ll take over with the girls so you can do you.”
Why does it sound so easy, but feel so hard? Shew. 2 simple sentences gave me the relief that I desperately needed, but the build up to saying them out loud took A LOT of will power. Maybe you don’t struggle to communicate your needs. If that’s you, I’m jealous. Maybe, though you are like me and communicating your needs is difficult.
Why Is Communication So Hard?
Communication like this requires vulnerability and for some women that is a hard line. I know because I used to be one of them. When my husband and I first started living together before we were married, I refused to communicate effectively.
I didn’t stomp around like a toddler and say those words exactly. But, I probably did do some stomping. I would pinpoint my irritability on something he justifiably did wrong, like going to drill at the volunteer firehouse when he had just been at his work firehouse for the past 24 hours. Terrible work-life balance.
It was justifiably wrong because we hadn’t spent any quality time together in days. It felt like he was choosing his friends at the firehouse over me. [mind you this is long before had kids, so I wasn’t even upset about being the sole provider for an extended period of time].
My brain logic told me that I was irritable because my significant other didn’t want to spend time with me. Obviously he didn’t love me as much as I thought he did or he would have chosen me. [there are so many flaws in this logic, I know, hindsight it 20-20, but I’m building to a point here, so bear with me].
Misplaced Irritability: The Silent War
Instead of communicating my feelings, I gave him the silent treatment for leaving. When he came home, I was cold and short in my responses [tell me you’ve never used this tactic].
I had to hold on to my anger, so he would know that what he did was wrong. My brain told me that if I talked about it, then I would lose my anger. I would lose the battle for the greater good of my relationship. I had to stay angry, so he would know how upset I was and never choose something else over me again.
The problem with baby Jessica’s fool-proof plan? I never actually communicated why I was upset or how it made me feel. Back then, admitting I was feeling second-best felt like showing up to battle without armor. What if he indeed confirmed my worst fear? But not saying anything meant, I was stuck in this silent war, and nobody was winning.
The Fear of Vulnerability
Admitting that I thought he loved the firehouse more than me would have put me in a very vulnerable situation. I mean, what if he did love the firehouse more? What if I wasn’t that important to him? What if I was always going to play second fiddle for the rest of our lives? If any of that were true, it could fundamentally scar our relationship. I wasn’t sure that we would come back from it.
[Side note: I low key still, sometimes believe he totally does love the firehouse more than me…but love is infinite and all that jazz. ]
I know now that the fear of being vulnerable is what led me to being openly hostile and holding onto my anger.
The Turning Point: Confrontation
Lucky for me, I wasn’t able to hold on to my anger for long. And no it’s not because I had a swoon-worthy moment where my husband professed his love for me and vowed never to go to that dreadful firehouse again.
It was actually quite an abrasive moment where my husband said:
“So are we going to talk about this shit or what? Because we’re not going to spend the rest of our relationship being pissed off and not talking about it.”
Swoon. A man who forces me to talk about my feelings. Maybe that doesn’t do it for you, but it did it for me. It opened me up to a new way of thinking about relationships, communication, and work-life balance.
Breaking Down Emotional Barriers and Getting to Work-Life Balance
In that moment, it hit me. I’d been so afraid of breaking that emotional armor I’d built, I hadn’t even realized I was using it to keep us apart. That confrontation was the first step to learning that real love means risking vulnerability.
I cannot expect people to guess what I am thinking. I cannot expect people to know why I am upset or even that I am upset at all. I have to clearly communicate my feelings.
Now when I feel the irritability creep in, I communicate what I’m feeling (even if it is still hard to do). Then, I work to schedule the time that I need. I work hard to create work-life balance. Life is too busy to live it accidentally (read more about that here).
Schedule the time that you need for yourself and you will find a path out of the irritability. A better work-life balance is out there.
Small Wins and Reframing Self-Care to Gain Work-Life Balance
So, here’s my challenge to you:
- When was the last time you scheduled something for yourself—not out of necessity, but purely because you wanted to feel like you again?
With a spouse on shift work, I don’t always get uninterrupted time for myself. That is unless I want to wake up at 5 in the morning [which I don’t…I love my sleep]. In those days, I work harder to celebrate the small wins and reframe the ways I get to take moments for myself. Some mornings it is taking 5 extra minutes to walk outside in silence after the bus picks up the girls. Other times it is sitting alone in my car while they are at practice and listening to a podcast.
When my hubby is home, I try to schedule something outside of the house without the family. Like dinner with a best friend or a solo gym session. I am constantly working to create a better work-life balance, but it is a daily fight, so I’m always looking for new ideas. When I frame my week, with myself in mind, I find myself being less irritable.
Caution: Create Realistic Me-Time
Caution though. When you are scheduling something for yourself, make sure it’s reasonable and matches what life season you are in. Maybe you’re a new mama and only sleeping for 2 hours at a time because you have to feed your new born. Going out to dinner with a friend may not be realistic. Maybe taking time for yourself means you actually take a long shower today and shave your legs today. Not because you needed to, but just because you wanted to feel more human.
Whatever season you are in, whatever you are doing to make time for yourself, celebrate it.
When I feel that irritability start to creep in, I pause and take notice. Then I find a way to do something I enjoy, like read or yoga. Whatever your hobby is, just 20 minutes of it can ease the tension from your body. If you don’t know what you love anymore check out this post. Sometimes when it feels like it is all about to crash down, I find a way to escape. Sometimes it’s a walk by myself and other times it’s a girl’s trip for an extended weekend.
Takeaway: Be Intentional About Your Time
At the end of the day, balancing work, family, and me-time isn’t about getting it perfect; it’s about being intentional and fighting to create it. We’re all doing our best, and sometimes, that looks like shaving your legs and sometimes it’s finding 20 minutes to read a book. But whatever it looks like, give yourself grace—and remember, you’re worth the time.
So, wonderful woman, what can you try today to bring yourself a better work-life balance? I love to hear new ideas to try like these.
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