Running Away From Chaos

The Mess: Bruised knees and bloodied hands.

Have you ever tried running away from chaos? The warm weather lately has inspired me lately to get outside and move my body daily. Obviously it is great for my physical health, but I’ve noticed improvement in my mental health as well.  There is something about moving my body with intention that lifts my spirits. Studies have shown that when people exercise, their brains are flooded with endorphins and after a long winter, my body needs all the endorphins it can get. I’ve been walking a mile everyday by myself and it has been wondrous. 

On this day of bruised knees and bloodied hands, I decided to take Kane, our silver lab with me. Kane is a 2020 fur baby.  Anybody else get a pet during COVID? He was a sweet boy when we rescued him, but all the trauma he faced before coming to our home required a lot of retraining and trust building.  The first time we tried to leave him out in the house alone, he just about destroyed the door handle.  He wasn’t a destructive dog, he just wanted to be with us. Hence biting the door handle in an attempt to follow the way that we had left. 

Rescue Dog Wins

He has come a long way since then and now doesn’t mind when we are out of the house.  He has also gotten particularly good at walking on a leash, whereas before he was a hot mess express who constantly pulled in the direction of anything that moved. 

Kane’s gains in trust and obedience aside, I still get a little hesitant in walking him around lots of people and activities. I trust him to be a good boy, but I also respect that he is quite strong and wants to protect me against anything he perceives as a threat. 

So, as we embarked on our trek up the street, I immediately took notice of people at the end of the street working in the church sign’s flower bed (we live next to a church and a graveyard). Without a second thought, I knew Kane and I would turn around and walk the other way before reaching the end of the street.

Confident in my decision we continued down the street until I saw the recycling truck turning down our street as well. Goodness. Another piece of chaos to avoid. Turning around sooner than I expected, I found myself driven by the brilliant idea to run instead of just walk. Kane loves a fast pace and this would help us avoid all the chaos at the end of the street. 

Trust Building and Running Away From Chaos

We’re running away from the chaos, the wind flapping Kane’s ears, when he here’s the first recycling bin being emptied. A threat! He spins around to see what is coming after his hoo-man (human). I quickly correct him and tell him “good boy” for getting back on track. Eyes ahead and head held high, we continue, having escaped the chaos and continue on our journey towards better physical and mental health. That is until we cross the threshold of the driveway.  Kane swerves right to go home, while I continue my path forward running to a happier day. It is in that moment that I find myself falling, unable to correct and laid forward, flat on my hands and knees. 

Cue the bruised knees and bloodied hands. I respected Kane’s strength and protectiveness, but I neglected to take into account his laziness. With chaos still chasing us, I quickly pop up and ran down the road into the sanctuary of the grass next to the church. I pause for a moment and notice the blood now oozing out of my hand. I try to walk it off and manage one lap around the parking lot before walking back home. Such a mess. Thank goodness I was wearing leggings and not running shorts or my knees in addition to being bruised would have also been bloody. 

In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.

Deepak Chopra

Mindfulness

My attempt to run away from the chaos in our path, led to even more chaos. As I replay the pain and embarrassment of those moments, I question what other choices I could have made. If you’re anything like me the “should’ve” and “could’ve” thoughts can quickly take over and my subconscious can easily start to berate me. However, I’ve been working hard lately to talk to myself with kindness and my subconscious is catching on. So instead of telling myself how stupid I was for trying to outrun the chaos, I asked myself why I tried to outrun it. 

I wanted to outrun it because I was fearful of Kane’s reaction. I wanted to avoid harm. I wanted to control it and I thought running in the opposite direction would allow me to better control. I wanted to make sure Kane didn’t get hurt. 

In my need to control the situation, I actually created a bigger mess. What if I had just stood aside in peace and let the chaos roll around me?

Had I paused in the grass and waited for the recycling truck to pass us by, I would have been able to stand beside Kane and coach him through his need to protect instead of wishing the momentum of the run would distract him. How often do we find ourselves pursuing a distraction instead of pausing in the chaos to find out what is actually happening? To find peace despite the chaos?

What chaos is trying to push you off your block today?

What do you stand to gain if you pause to sit with it instead of running away from chaos?

I’m working harder these days to sit in my uncomfortable feelings when chaos roves around me. First I stop the negative thoughts and take a deep breath. Then I do box breathing and question why my mind is wreaking havoc. I let my body actually feel the emotions I have where in the past would try to conceal and override. Then I pause and try to find a different perspective, before proceeding with the next right thing.

This is a great technique and resource my therapist recommended recently and it has helped me. I’m not perfect and at times I still run from chaos, but now I don’t beat myself up about it. I ask myself why and work to make it better for the next time. 

Embrace Discomfort

I found myself the other day feeling overwhelmed. My body felt tight and overstimulated; it made me want to scream at anything that made noise or move. Much like I imagine, how Kane feels towards the recycling truck. Instead of ignoring my feelings and letting my agitation boil over onto unsuspecting people around me, I practiced STOP. When I paused to observe my thoughts, I realized that the chaos around me wasn’t actually chaos at all. It was me. I was the chaos.

Personal Growth: Stop Running Away From Chaos

By running away from chaos, I was running away from myself. My attempt to push away my negative thoughts was causing me to feel even more overwhelmed. Instead of running, I sat in peace with the chaos. I spoke my feelings out loud to a respected friend who helped me see a new perspective. This didn’t magically get rid of all the feelings I had, but it gave me enough space to move forward and refocus on something new. 

Personal growth is something that takes time. It affects many different aspects of our lives. Check out this post on building better boundaries and personal growth.

So, wonderful woman, what chaos in your life are you running from? Is it worth the bruised knees and bloodied hands or are you willing to sit in the chaos and find what you are meant to gain?