The Mess: Stressing over the unknown. I don’t mean what the future holds or when I will die. I mean overcoming anxiety of new beginnings. It’s the inescapable anxiety that bubbles up anytime I am faced with something new. At the height of my anxiety struggles, even something that promised fun made my chest tight.
We were headed to a brand new pumpkin patch with the family that was sure to be a fun and exciting time, but all my mind could do was spin out over all of the unknowns. Anxiety presents in people very differently; mine usually makes me irritable and snappy or closed off and quiet. As the girls chatted in the back seat bubbling over with excitement, I silently stewed in the front seat while my husband drove. At one point he looked over at me and asked “You good?”
I couldn’t tell him that my body was screaming at me to abandon ship. Screaming I don’t want to do this would most definitely kill the mood and potentially freak my girls out. My brain forced me to zip my lips, so I wouldn’t ruin the fun for everyone else. I looked at him and said “No, but I will be.”
Overcoming Anxiety with Insight Timer
I popped in my air pods and opened Insight Timer then searched for a meditation on Releasing Anxiety. I spent the next ten minutes with my eyes closed and my breathe focused. It’s not the first time I’ve ever used the app, but it was a major moment where mediation actually worked to helped overcoming anxiety of something new.
Taking those ten minutes to recenter myself helped me walk into the new experience with excitement instead of trepidation. I reframed the day. Instead of worrying over how I would control each aspect of this new adventure, I stayed present in the moment and enjoyed each new activity we tried. Letting go of trying to prepare for everything gave me the freedom to explore new possibilities.
It sounds super cheesy that all of this happened over a trip to a pumpkin patch, but when I look at the decisions I’ve made that have drastically shaped my life in the last few years, I come back to this one as a starting point. I used a tool to help me calm my fears. It wasn’t huge and it didn’t require a lot of time, but it made a world of difference.
How many times do we find ourselves in a new situation and feel overwhelmed with anxiety?
If you’re anything like me, it happens a lot. If I did what always felt comfortable and safe, I would spend my life at home reading a book and sipping a cozy beverage. Which is great and I love to live my own little introverted life. The only problem is that I married an extrovert and in turn my children are also extroverts. I love them all dearly and they are forever pushing outside of my comfort zone, which is good because as William S. Burroughs said “When you stop growing you start dying.”
From Panic to Presence: Reframing Anxiety in New Experiences
Recently I found myself fearing the unknown again when my husband, like the weirdo extrovert he is, wanted to do something new for his birthday. A night out in Old Town Alexandria, with his firefighter buddies from work and their WAGS (Wives and Girlfriends). One couple I knew; one couple I didn’t know and an extra random friend in between. New bars, new people, the potential of going out on a boat…so many unknowns.
The old me would have been freaking out in the days leading up to the event. Meticulously planning out the right outfits to wear. Obsessively googling every popular bar in Old Town and weighing the merits of which ones were worth going to. I would have prepared for worst case scenarios. What to do if these new people didn’t like me; how to leave a bar I didn’t want to be at; what kind of transportation we needed…exhausting, I know.
Instead of letting anxiety overcome me in this new experience, I put my tools to use. I still felt trepidation, but instead of silently stewing in it, I talked with my husband about my fears and he helped me find assurance. The work I’ve been doing on myself helped me actually communicate and get excited for a new adventure instead of running through all of the what-ifs. Overcoming anxiety doesn’t have to be painful and yes I did meditate on it a couple of times.
The Result: A really fun time.
We experienced amazing new foods and drinks. Sang along with an Irish jig. Bar hopped. Danced and sang Karaoke. I opened up to new people and made new friends. I did it in my own way that was authentic. I didn’t overthink about how I could get these new people to like me or what they might have thought of me. I just enjoyed the night and embraced the new experiences. I didn’t succumb to the expectations of others, instead I just enjoyed the night for what it was.
Practical Tips for Overcoming Anxiety
Do you struggle with anxiety too, especially when you are faced with a new beginning? For over a year, my therapist tried to sell me on meditation. She specifically named the app Insight Timer and raved about how helpful it was for recentering. I didn’t feel comfortable with mediating and honestly didn’t believe it would work at all. Then I spoke with an old friend from high school. As we were chatting on the phone and commiserating over the stresses of motherhood, she mentioned how Insight Timer has really been a game changer for her.
Ugh. Hold the phone. The same app my therapist has been trying to convince me to use?? No way. She proceed to tell me how even just 10 minutes a day made a huge difference. I was floored. She then texted me her favorite meditation teacher Sarah Blondin and it started me down the path of regular meditation. I was skeptical of the benefits to be sure but after trying it, I credit it to much of my calmness, especially in new situations. You might be skeptical too, but there’s even science you can read that explains the how and the why it works.
Self-Reflection on Overcoming Anxiety
I know my anxiety flares up when I’m forced to face something new. Whether that’s a new job, new people, or even a new place, my body physically reacts like it is being attacked. Knowing what drives my anxiety helps me better prepare for it. It sucks to sit in it, but once I did, it helped me realize that my fear is coming from a perceived lack of control. In a new experience, I don’t know what to expect or how to plan for the unknown. Sounds a little ridiculous, right? How could a single person prepare and plan for all of the unknown outcomes in a given situation? That’s not real. It’s not possible.
Now instead of trying to control the outcome with a meticulous plan, I focus on what I can control.
I can control:
- the decisions I make when I’m put in a new situation.
- what I say yes to in the middle of the new situation.
- how I prepare myself for that new situation.
I can even control how my body reacts to new situations as well. I’ve written about how STOP method helped me confront chaos instead of running from it.
Easy Effective Tools for Overcoming Anxiety
Box Breathing:
It is honestly one of the most effective tools I’ve used and it can be done anywhere. Follow these simple steps to get instant relief.
- Breathe in slowly while counting to four. Hold your breath for four seconds. Exhale slowly through your mouth for four seconds. Hold your empty lungs for four seconds. Repeat 3-4 times.
- I repeat this process at least four times or until my heart rate has slowed. In total it takes about 60 seconds. While I’m doing it, I feel a little bit like I am going to die from lack of oxygen, but in forcing my body to obey, everything else quiets.
5-4-3-2-1 Method:
This one is new to me, but I’ve been trying it lately as a grounding technique. When I can’t slow down enough to focus on my breathing I list these things out loud if I’m alone or in my head if I’m surrounded by people.
- 5 things I can see
- 4 things I can touch
- 3 things I can hear
- 2 things I can smell
- 1 thing I can taste.
The meticulousness of the process immediately stops the swirling in my mind. I usually try to end with actually tasting something amazing like chocolate. I think of it as encouragement and positive behavior support.
Exercise:
Hear me out on this one because it is one that I have been avoiding lately. As Elle Woods said “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.”
- Yoga, Stretching
- Walk, Jog, Run
- Zumba, Dance
- Jumping Jacks
- Weight Lifting, Jump Jacks
Take your pick. There are so many options for exercising and I encourage you to choose one and notice your mood after. During 2020 my anxiety was the worst it has ever been and I took up a daily yoga practice to help fight off the anxious thoughts before they even began. I use yoga as preventative maintenance, because here’s the thing when you move your body intentionally, you change the chemistry in your brain. According to Dr. Google “Exercise increases the availability of neurochemicals like serotonin and GABA, which can help with anxiety and it activates the frontal regions of the brain, which can help control the amygdala, the part of the brain that reacts to threats.”
Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR):
This is one of my go-to methods when my brain is overworking at bedtime.
- Start with the bottom of your body and tighten the muscle group of your feet. Then slowly relax them.
- Tighten your calves as hard as you can, then slowly relax them.
- Continue up each muscle group of your body, ending with your face (so many muscles there).
Intentionally tensing and relaxing each section of the body releases physical tension that you often times don’t even realize is happening. Anxiety affects your body before it affects your mind and this routine serves as a physical reset.
None of these methods are hard. It’s just remembering to do them and trusting that they can help in even the craziest of situations.
I’ve been trying hard to incorporate some of these daily so that I instinctually do them when my body starts to freak out. There is power in your mind beyond your subconscious. We just have to be intentional about using it. The next time you find yourself faced with the anxiety of trying something new, give yourself the grace to ground and find freedom from fear.
So, wonderful woman, what tips will you try to overcome anxiety and fear? I love hearing new ideas. Leave a comment below.
Leave a Reply