Same Team: Conflict Resolution

Have you ever found yourself in a tense situation that you didn’t create? My husband and I used to find ourselves caught up in the middle of a couple tiff that wasn’t actually our own. We always try to be on the same team. Our friend group at the time had some competitive tendencies and toxic relationships that would cause our own relationship to have problems that didn’t actually exist. 

One party in particular, I told my husband that we should probably head out soon. I knew he had to go into work that evening and we still had to make our rounds back home before he could leave. A “friend” of ours made a disparaging and less than flattering comment about wives (read me) dictating the lives of husbands. Cue same team conflict resolution.

Once we got in the car, I asked my husband if we were okay. My skin was hot and I felt misunderstood. I wasn’t at all trying to dictate my husband’s life. I was trying to be a helper because he easily gets distracted. When I spoke my heart to my husband, he looked me in the eyes and said “Same team, babe.” Those simple words quelled the panic in my heart. 

We’ve spent the last ten years of our marriage together living this truth. It is easy. Read here about hard we work to communicate. So, wonderful woman, you might be asking yourself why.

“Why is she bringing up this potential mess up now?”

Well, it’s summertime and my children are officially out of school. I work from home, my husband works shift work, and my girls are steadily at each other’s throats. Then they whiplash into playing happily as best friends. 

I’m so tired of playing referee for these sweetly temperamental girls. After a day of mitigating their battles and a strenuous car ride to dance class, I parked the car. I turned around to face them and spoke frankly. I can’t remember what caused the fight, but once again they were putting me in the middle of their debate. They were asking me to bring justice to the rightful sister. 

Same Team: Parenting Differently

Usually I would listen carefully to both sides of the argument. I would calmly try to rationalize how both girls were right in their feelings, but this time I did not. This time I told the girls to be on the same team. I explained that instead of putting me in the middle of their conflicts, they should put me on the outside. After all, they are all each other will have in the world when me and their dad are gone. 

Morbid I know, but it is intentional. We raise our girls intentionally, with the knowledge that my husband’s job often comes with life and death situations. Because of that, we want our girls to know how to live without him. We want them to live independently without both of us to be honest. That means fostering a relationship between the two of them that is grounded in love and understanding. Being on the same team. 

In the last month, instead of offering consolation during conflicts, I stay calm and whisper to them “same team.” Just those simple two words, prompt them to pause. They breathe and discuss their own feelings instead of lashing out and asking me to be their ref. 

Same Team: Sisterhood Empowerment

Yesterday I heard my youngest say to her older sister “Remember, sissy, we are on the same team.” Calmness swept them both and they worked through their struggle together. These words aren’t magic. My husband and I have expectations for our girls to take ownership of their feelings and actions. It is not the words that hold the power. It is the lesson behind them and the simpleness of the two word reminder. 

Same team. It’s a quick cue that signifies a world of meaning. I shared with the girls the story of their dad and me. I confessed that we even have to remind each other that we are on the same team. Sometimes tension weaves its way unintentionally into even the best relationships. 

Same team. It’s ours and now it’s our girls. As a family we always strive to be on the same team. Lifting each other up. Having each other’s backs. Remembering that we are always for each other. 

The Power of a Quick Cue

So, wonderful woman, what aspect in your life right now needs a quick cue? What is your same team story? How can you create a same team notion? What will your same team catchphrase be? 

Maybe your “same team” is not for relationships conflicts. Maybe you need a quick cue for the conflict you have within yourself. The self doubt that tells you you’re weak and scared. The self critical whispers of impending failure and doom. When you are wilting under the pressures of life, try whispering one of these quick cues.

Conflict Resolution in Relationships

Or, maybe “same team” is a quick cue that might benefit you in one of your relationships. Maybe you find yourself in a season of toxic friendships that test the balance you have in your own relationship. Maybe you find yourself in a season with friends who are overly competitive, when that is not your true nature. 

It is worth the discussion with your closest friends or partner. What do you need to get out of that relationship? Feel empowered to move on from friendships and relationships that no longer serve you. Spend time with people you actually enjoy because time is finite. 

Who do you spend the most time with in your life? Those people are either raising you up or pulling you down. Find people who want to be on the same team as you and then find ways to spend more time with them. These people will fill your cup and invigorate you to grow into the person you were made to become. 

Same team. For us, it is not just about dissolving conflict. It is about all of us working together to be better. 

So, wonderful woman, what quick cue is worth reminding yourself of today? Where do you find conflict or tension creeping into your life?