Protecting Against Resentment in Relationships

Today’s mess involves a phone call and a completely burnt out wife with two young kids, who is on the verge of losing it (it’s me I’m the burnt-out wife). It is a mess and a reminder on protecting against resentment. It’s a Tuesday in the Taylor household which means gloriously no one has any activities. I’m relaxing on the couch reading, one of my favorite past times, while my husband plays The Game of Life with the girls. It’s a cozy, picture-perfect kind of evening. The girls aren’t fighting and we’re not rushing off anywhere. We just get to sit and be. An excellent evening protect against resentment. After finishing my book, I get up and start to make dinner. Sausages, which my girls love thanks to Bluey, and sautéed mushrooms and onions, which I know my husband loves.

As I’m searing the sausages on the stove top, I hear my husband answer his phone and after a few minutes of conversation I hear him end it with, “Let me check in with the wife and get back to you.” Oh shit, here we go I thought. I knew that whatever happened on the other side of that phone call wasn’t good and that I was now going to be put in a messy situation.

“Let me check in with the wife and get back to you.”

THE PHRASE NO WIFE OF A FIREFIGHTER EVER WANTS TO HEAR

Resentment in Relationships

Earlier that day my husband went golfing after being on shift all weekend and working a 12 hour shift on Monday. He recently joined a golf league for firefighters and has been getting in rounds where he can with his friends. I love this for him. It’s a healthy habit and he works best when he’s surrounded by a team. Our life is busy in the evenings with the girls’ activities, so I love even more that he can go out and do this during the day when he’s not on shift. Read about how conflict in our schedules is the norm. After a regular shift coupled with overtime, he needs to go out and do something to come back into his role as husband and father. I respect that, but I too need that time.

When my husband came home that afternoon, he sat in the spare chair in my office to decompress about our weekends and touch base on our upcoming week. This is pretty routine for us. While we do “talk” when he’s at work, it is not normally about things of substance. It is hard to get into a deep conversation when you are surrounded by a bunch of other guys and could be cut off by an alarm ringing at any time. I learned quickly in our marriage to save the heavy, complicated stuff for when he is home. I’m not sure how other shift wives do it, but this is what works best for us.

Open Communication

I shared my heart with him during this touch base and told him how I was feeling burnt-out. Work was rolling with a fast approaching deadline and I had been working a lot to compensate for that, including working some over the weekend. While the girls and I had a great weekend and accomplished all of their activities (soccer and play practice) I finished the weekend feeling drained. My husband finished his whirlwind of working with golf and felt restored.

Was I jealous he went golfing without me? No. I don’t like golf and going golfing would not be fun for me. Was I jealous that he got to do something that filled him up? Maybe, but that’s kind of messed up for me to admit out loud. So, I admitted it out loud anyways. No. I didn’t tell him I was jealous that he got to go have fun and I had to stay home and work after taking care of the house and kids all weekend. That would only fuel anger on both of our parts.

Instead I told my husband, that I needed more help at home and that I needed be better about blocking out time for myself, like he did with golfing. We are constantly trying to figure out a better way because of the inconsistencies in the shift work life. He agreed and absolutely jumped on board to help out with things around the house and help me figure out getting more time for myself. Sounds like it is all tied up in a perfect little bow, right?

Let me be clear, I am not an expert in relationships and my relationships are not perfect. My husband and I just work really hard at it everyday. I always look to other people for words of wisdom on this. Here are a couple articles I’ve found helpful to protect against resentment:

• Recognizing Resentment and Moving Forward
• How Resentment Grows in a Relationship

Rebuilding Against Resentment

Because I communicated honestly with my husband, I was able to protect against resentment that was building in my heart after he was working away from home for an extended period of time. You see he left my office after our conversation, did the dishes, and prepped the house for our roof repair. When I finished my work for the day and the girls got home from school, he engaged them in a game, so I could read. Reading is one of my favorite paths to restoration. One act of self-care was not going to restore me from burn-out, but I was well on my way.

Resenting the Call

My nice little tied up bow from earlier in the day quickly unraveled with that phone call my husband received. One simple sentence “Let me check with the wife and get back to you,” had the ability to undo it all. These are words I am never fond of hearing. The usually precede some kind of tragedy that I know will lead to my own-pardon my melodramatics. On the other end of the phone was a golfing buddy and fellow firefighter who worked the shift before my husband. His son had broken his arm at football practice and he had to take leave unexpectedly to rush home and be with his wife as she took her son to the hospital. Tragedy.

Resenting the Facts

A tragedy for golfing buddy’s family to be sure.So, how does this family’s tragedy unravel my pretty little bow that is protecting against resentment? The facts of the matter took that little bow and cut it to shreds. Both my husband and golfing buddy are lieutenants at a sift water rescue firehouse, which requires special certifications. This means that there are only a limited number of firefighter officers with the correct certifications who can cover that spot. When one of them needs to take leave, they usually check with each other first to make sure someone isn’t ordered to work mandatory overtime. With golf buddy’s unexpected departure, it means that the engine was put out of service. The bigger fact was that the station couldn’t respond to calls until a replacement lieutenant came in.

Protecting Against Resentment and theTragedy

A broken arm for a young kid is sad and my husband shouldn’t even question whether or not he should go in to fill golfing buddy’s spot. I myself have needed my husband to leave work immediately to help with our own family’s tragedy (more on that here), so in both of our hearts we knew what the right choice had to be. My sweet husband though said “let me check with the wife” because we had that conversation earlier about protecting against resentment. The true tragedy in this situation is me pushing down my own feelings to sacrifice for the greater good of our firefighter family and the life of service we have chosen to be a part of.

Protecting Against Resentment and the Fire Department

Tragedy sounds a touch dramatic…I know. A little cringe worthy, I admit, but I’d say it again because something bigger is at stake. I literally just poured my heart out to my husband about how stressed I am at work, how drained I felt after his 36 hour shift, and how I desperately needed to find my own restoration like he did with golf. He agreed that my feelings are fair and I felt validated, but now I have to push them aside because it’s the right thing to do. How do you tell a firefighter no from helping his brother out? From helping his station? I don’t and I can’t. I let him and it go because it’s the right thing do to. My husband would never ask this of me, which is what makes my decision all the more difficult.

The tragedy here is pushing my feelings on hold for now and processing them later. Now I’ve got to do the self-work to protect against resentment and ensure it doesn’t take root. Unexpected shifts and interrupted games nights don’t ruin families, but resentment does. I guard my heart against it, so my daughters will too. My husband and I keep open communication because we know how quickly resentment can take hold when we are apart from each other. So, I told him to go without guilt, knowing that when he came home the day after tomorrow we would work on it more.

but you don’t have to answer

The tragedy of resentment was calling, but I didn’t have to answer it. I choose to let it go to voicemail and protect against resentment because I don’t want my daughters to resent their dada or the fire department. And that right there is some hard work to put into action, but he helps the cause. After I gave him my decision, he got right down on their level and explained how golfing buddy’s son broke his arm, so he had to work and fill in. Someone else hurting and in need immediately softening their hearts and that night they prayed for the boy with the broken arm and their dada.

Filling Up on Love and Protecting Against Resentment

As my husband put on his uniform, the girls tidied up The Game of Life and I finished cooking dinner. He kissed us all goodbye and ten minutes later me and the girls sat down to eat sausages. As a special treat, I let them watch Bluely while we ate. While I cleaned up dinner, I told Alexa to turn on music and turn it up. I prepared the house for the next day with a heart full of love, not bitterness or remorse because my actions impact my girls more than words ever could. Ending a ruined night with dancing around the kitchen signals to my girls that while we can be sad that dada went to work, we can choose to find happiness right where it is. I teach them to protect against resentment through my actions and not my words.

Serving others is high on our family list of values, so it is important to me that I show my daughters how to find happiness when that life of service interferes with our plans and needs. I could have resented the call, the tragedy, the facts, the fire department and let my feelings of anger and bitterness fuel resentment in my relationship with my husband. Instead I made an intentional choice in the mess to protect my heart against resentment.

Hey there, Wonderful Woman! I’d love to hear from you.