The Mess of Grief: Losing our Sweet Kane
Our sweet silver-lab, Kane, went to be with God. Now my youngest prays, ‘God, help Kane shine bright in heaven.’
Saying goodbye to our silver-lab Kane on my daughter’s 10th birthday was a different kind of grief—and now we are trying to find peace in the mess of healing.
The Sudden Decline
In the middle of the night, he woke up panting. By morning, he had diarrhea. That afternoon he threw up, and by dinner he refused to eat. My husband took him to the emergency vet that night, where x-rays showed a bowel obstruction.
Two years ago he had 2 surgeries to remove a piece of toy from his intestines. Since then we have been vigilant about not allowing him to have toys, so we were confused and heartbroken as to how this could have happened again.
Our family vet recommended a pricey, specialty surgeon since this would be a risky procedure given his history. Knowing our circumstances, she also offered to do an exploratory surgery herself.
The Call No Pet Owner Wants
The next morning, my husband took Kane to the vet alone and signed all of the necessary paperwork. Our vet promised to call mid way through the surgery to tell us what could be done.
When the phone rang hours later we both tensed and I ushered away my daughter so my husband could speak freely without little listening ears. While she snacked on peanut butter crackers, I heard him say “I understand…we appreciate you doing everything that you could” and that’s when I knew. We had lost him.
I bit the corner of my lip and asked my youngest if she wanted some water. She took a sip, said thanks mama, and then ran away to join her friends in the water park. With the girls out of ear-shot, my husband quickly explained that Kane’s colon had twisted. While the vet was able to untwist it, the damaged tissue was beyond repair and he wouldn’t survive.
A Different Kind of Loss
This wasn’t our first time losing a dog, but something about this time was more difficult and now that I’ve had some space to reflect I think I can tie it directly to our girls. When we lost our first dog, I was pregnant with my littlest and my oldest wasn’t even two. Kane has been with the girls since 2020 when they were 3 and 5. He has also been the best, even though he was a daddy’s boy.
If you own a dog or if you’ve ever owned a dog, you know how they fill every tiny crevice of your heart that you didn’t even know was there. Their physical presence just brings a sense of joy and calm that isn’t truly known until it’s gone.
Joy and Heartbreak on the Same Day
The other part that made this really hard? All of this happened on the day we celebrated my oldest daughter’s 10th birthday.
On the day Kane got sick, they had just come home from a camping trip at Jelly Stone with their grandparents. The next morning we were supposed to pick up two friends and take them with our family of four to Kings Dominion to celebrate. Instead we divided and conquered. I took all four girls to Kings Dominion and my husband took Kane to the veterinarian.
He joined us later, so when we got the news, the girls were busily playing in the waterpark. With the girls happily playing, I snuck away to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. We decided to wait until we got home to break the news to the girls and I think that made everything harder. Because all day I had to pretend everything was okay. And that takes a toll. I pushed down my grief to keep the 10th birthday celebration going and honestly I would do it again.
Letting the Girls Be Themselves
While we were leaving the park the girls chattered and planned a sleepover. I was hesitant because we still had to deliver the news, so my husband and I had a little chat while the girls used the bathroom.
“I just don’t know if it is the right choice or not…part of me says no, but there’s another part of me that says it might be good for them.”
“Right,” my husband agreed. “When you’re grieving do you want to be alone or surrounded by friends who help make you feel better?”
For my social butterflies, the answer is friends for sure. So they had a sibling swap with their friends and I think it was the healthiest thing for their little hearts.
Grieving in Our Own Ways
Sleepovers underway, I finally got to express my grief and my husband held me throughout my tears. I was exhausted, so when my husband wanted to meet up with his friends to decompress, I told him to go. This way was best for us. We all got to process in the way that we needed. My little introverted heart needed time to recharge and restore as much as my extroverts needed time to recharge with people that they love.
I don’t know how to get over the loss of a pet, but I do know that it looks different for everyone and that the process of healing is messy.
What Helped Us Heal During Grieving
There are some things that have helped our family though, even though a lot of them are things I didn’t want to do in the first place.
Things that brought us joy as a family:
- Boba Tea and Donuts from our favorite local shop B Donuts.
- Thrift store adventures where the girls bought little trinkets that sparked joy.
- A trip to petco where we got to see the sweetest kittens ever.
- Enjoying our new Betta fish (a happy God moment that happened before Kane passed)
- A cousin crab feast and squirt gun fight.
- Scrolling through all the old videos and photos we have of our sweet Kane.
- Re-enacting the funny things he would do like simple nudges, leg hugs, and walking backwards to reach the carpet from the hardwood floor.
Things that helped me personally:
- Giving myself grace upon grace upon grace
- Letting go of my stretch goal routines (including daily workouts and healthy meal prep routines)
- Staying consistent with my daily habits that foster my mental health and help me overcome anxiety (journaling, hydrating, gently moving my body, meditating)
- Taking time to rest and turn off my brain with movies (without guilt)
- Asking for help when I need it (also without guilt and restrictions)
Choosing How to Remember
The thing that helped, but probably most controversial:
Removing all of Kane’s things from the house.
I don’t know how you deal with grief wonderful woman, but for me this helped immensely. When I walked into the house for the first time after Kane’s passing, my eyes teared up because I wasn’t greeted with his big boy bark. Those tears streamed down my face when I walked in my room and saw his empty dog bed. While I took a shower to wash off the stress of the day, I asked my husband to get rid of everything in the house that belonged to Kane. I didn’t want the reminders.
Before he did that, he let my girls each keep one of his blankets and as I write this, I’m snuggling another one of his favorites. It’s not that I want to erase him from our home; I just want to choose how I remember him.
Walking past his food container and food bowl triggered questions in my brain. Has Kane been fed yet? Do I need to ask the girls to empty the recycling so he’s not scared to walk by it?
Without those visible triggers I am able to pick the way I remember him instead of being blindsided when he’s not in his bed like he usually is after my shower.
In the Mess of Healing
I still look for him when I come home. I still hear his paws when I’m at the ice maker (he always loved a piece of ice when we were filling up our own cups).
Like I said, the process of healing is messy. There’s not right or wrong way to get over the death of a pet. It just takes time.
So, wise woman, I don’t know what grief you’re carrying. Maybe it’s the loss of a pet, maybe it’s something else entirely. But I hope this little glimpse into my healing helps you find your own next step.
Maybe your next step on the healing process is going out to a coffee shop to just sit and be around people. Perhaps it’s time for you to go scrolling through all of those old photos with intention; so you can focus on the joy that you felt in those moments.
You Don’t Have to Heal Alone
Of everything we’ve done, the thing that’s brought us the most peace? Reaching out. Sharing. Letting people show up and love us in the middle of the mess.
You don’t have to heal alone.
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